"Is that gasoline I smell?"

The Lone Ranger had Tonto. He-Man had BattleCat. Batman has a Batmobile, a Batcopter, a Batcycle, and even some BatRollerblades, because he's a bit of a shop-a-holic with issues.

SVP has Maxine, a slightly souped up 1999 Yamaha V-Star. Whether he's on his way to rescue some damsel in distress, rushing to autograph copies of Brookwater's Curse Vol. I, or assist Matt & Steve with a review, Maxine is the chariot that gets our easily agitated co-star where he needs to go. Well, unless it's snowing--in which case he catches a cab.

Any grease-monkeys out there? Well, that machine that just blew past you is one of the sexiest bitches on the road. Brick red, black and chromed out, Maxine's got a

V-twin engine with an 1100cc displacement. The factory issue fork has been replaced with an after-market straight-bar, giving her a leaner look and forcing a more aggressive riding posture. The reason you can hear her coming from a mile away? The chromed out pipes have no baffling whatsoever. With one rev of that engine, SVP can set off your car alarm from a block away. And the new saddlebags can hold really big sandwiches and a six-pack.

What did I tell ya? Sexy, huh?

Her seduction of SVP was simple enough: He walked into a Brooklyn motorcycle dealership, and she called out to him. He'll tell you the bike literally spoke, and before he knew what was happening, he was filling out a personal check and insisting on a credit check.

If Maxine was inclined to speak to you--which by the way, she's not--she'd tell you a sordid tale about the mistress of a Duke presiding over a province in Spain, circa the year 1408.

This mistress ended up being poisoned by the man's wife. As she lay dying in the Duke's arms she begged him to avenge her.

But instead of promising retribution for his fallen lover, the Duke said,

"Well, with you dead, I don't have anyone else to have sex with but my wife. So I can't kill her at least until after I replace you!"

At that moment, with her last breath, the Mistress vowed to find a man worthy of her love and protection. For centuries the lonely spirit wandered the earth, joining with different adventurers over the years, usually through their means of transportation, until that fateful day seven years ago when the apparition spotted SVP at the aforementioned dealership.

It should be noted that SVP doesn't believe there is anything supernatural about Maxine. He attributes their survival of several scary accidents with no more than a few scratches to show for it as simple luck.

Even after being confronted by a Jesuit priest claiming to be the last descendant of the asshole Duke, (whose sole mission in life is to exorcise the soul of the Spanish Mistress from the Yamaha V-Star once and for all), SVP gave the same response he gives to anyone dumb enough to catch him in a bad mood and start talking about some bullshit:

"Man, get out of my face before I kick you in the shin with these steel-toed boots."

SVP and Maxine don't look like they're going to be parting company anytime soon. And as her jealousy streak grows, the passenger seat of the motorcycle seems to become smaller, harder and more uncomfortable to sit on as time passes. This could prove problematic in the future, considering that as much as SVP loves Maxine, he also enjoys the company of human females who have 'Junk in The Trunk.'