And then there was ‘Die Hard’. Then there was Hans Grueber, Nakatomi Plaza and of course, ‘Yipee kay-yay, motherfucker!’ Which is fitting, because really, wasn’t the first movie just a western set in a building instead of a frontier town? Like the great heroes of America’s youth, John McLane was every-man, he had faults, issues and an impending divorce but he was also something else: he was what we all wanted to be. What guy, or even girl, hasn’t

    So after 12 years, the powers that be decided that the time was right to bring out the grand-daddy of them all: Die Hard. It’s very name can be said in one of two ways, as a whisper, a eulogy for a long-dead hero, or as an expletive shouted from the rooftops. Anything in between is just nonsense. The timing was perfect. Things had gotten out of hand in Hollywood. Wire-fu was taking over. CG rules the day. Guys can no longer beat the shit out of each other any more, they needed to dance and flourish with all sorts of film trickery. We needed John McLane to set us on the path to righteousness once more.

    For the most part, he does. But something gets lost in the update. Oh sure, it looks like John McLane walking up there, a bit older, a bit wiser and a hell of a lot more worn down, and he may sound like John McLane, but there’s something missing. Where is the man I can relate with on an almost instant level? I recognize, you John and you were never like this. Jumping off a Harrier jet? So True Lies, and you aren’t the Governator, you’re John-fucking-McLane! Not a super-hero. Without you there, this would be just another action movie to glut the summer season with.

    For all the things you do wrong, ‘Live Free or Die Hard’, you also do twice as many right. And for that, I thank you for giving me a thoroughly enjoyable two hours at the cinema free of CG overload and flying men in black trenchcoats.

    The film opens with a quick montage showing us a few low-level hackers being methodically picked off by way of explosion from an intense looking Maggie Q. There’s our set-up, enter The Man. John McLane (like I even need to tell you who plays him at this point), now Lieutenant, is miserable. Not only has his wife divorced him, his daughter is not talking to him and worse, he has to go and pick up some hacker punk, Matt Farrell (Justin Long) in Jersey. Come on?! Jersey! This is John McLane we’re talking about here, he does not need to lower himself to such indignities. Immediately, the action kicks in with an attempted assassination on Matt and we are off.

    Who are these people? Cyberterrorists! Great fucking word, by the way. One of my favorite things, (cyber...space, you pervs) and one of my least favorite things, terrorists, combined into one creepy, menacing group. They want what any terrorist group wants. The complete breakdown of societal order (except they have the means to pull it off). Wait, no, sorry...money, they want money. And they have a way to get a whole lot of it. All of it, actually. Every single cent in the god damn country. The Nakatomi terrorists are street vendors compared to these guys. Sadly, their main villain, Thomas Gabriel (a cool, if entirely post-metrosexual name if there is one, which does explain the villainy), played by Seth Bullock aka Timothy Olyphant, mostly barks orders at people in a subdued tone. His best scenes come from the tete-a-tetes between him and McLane, as they’re both big personalities and bigger egos. And as far as the four villains of the franchise, he has the second best out scene next to Hans.

    Come on, like that was a spoiler? He’s John McLane, he may get beat up, but in the end, he’ll always find a way to win.

    And what is a supervillain without his goons? Mostly, they’re there to catch bullets, but two of them standout. Rand adds a little flash to the proceedings and brings in the massively popular and visually stunning parkour urban acrobatic (like the first chase in Casino Royale). The camera never showcases him in the sort of slow melodramatic way one would expect. He’s a henchman who happens to know parkour, not the other way around. Maggie Q’s Mai, however, is the the real threat. She’s your typical hot-as-hell Asian girl who knows kung fu and though she says little, you know from her cold voice this is a chick you do not mess with. When her and McLane come to blows, it could almost be called an east versus west critique of the modern Hollywood movie. But, that would be giving director Len Wiseman a little too much credit.

    All of it sounds pretty standard for a ‘Die Hard’ movie, but the biggest gamble was, of course, the sidekick. It barely worked in ‘Die Hard with a Vengeance’, and that was only because it was Samuel-fucking-Jackson. But Justin Long? Groan. That was my first reaction, a way of shoehorning in some bullshit comedic sidekick into a series who’s main protagonist always goes it alone. Surprisingly, Long’s Matthew Farrell is perhaps the most normal of all the characters. Like McLane in the original, he’s in a situation way over his head and trying to make sense of it as he goes along. He’s what keeps us in the movie and reminds us that, ‘Oh yeah, this is Die Hard we’re talking about here.’ No one else is going ‘Holy shit, did you just see that?’ except him, and the audience, of course. With Farrell, we almost feel like some weird voyeur, watching someone else watch a master at work. A lot like Raiden in Metal Gear Solid 2, minus the incessant whining. Yes, Long is there for comedic relief, but he’s not cracking wise every minute., but he delivers some good zingers. The back and forth between him and Willis is pretty good and there’s a definite bond that forms between them, almost like a father and son.

    How’s Willis? At this point, it’s impossible to tell him and his NYPD alter-ego apart. Even when he’s not trying to be John McLane, and let me tell you, the film tries its damnedest to make that happen, the old John shines through with a wink, a laugh after disposing of some bad guys or an off the cuff comment during one of the few moments where shit isn’t blowing up. He acquired Terminator abilities: he never tires, eats and can take some mighty big hits and keep coming. He’s...Bruce Willis! He’s the grandfather of modern action film stars and he postures and kicks ass better than all the guys half his age.

    The show-stealer award goes to Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who, more than anyone, knew what a McLane is and how they operate. She plays Lucy, Bruce’s daughter and, obviously, future hostage for the bad guys. While her part feels a little bit tacked on in order to give Bruce some personal motivation, she’s a firecracker from the get-go. Maybe we can have her team up with good ol dad in the next one, and together they can find the Holy Grail! Wait...wrong movie...

    The previous films all possessed a certain sense of space. This location got larger with sequels (and budget), but it was always confined there. Whether it was a skyscraper, an airport or the city of New York, we always knew where we were because the entire movie took place over one day or night in that place. In ‘LFoDH’, time and place are nowhere to be found. NYC, D.C, Maryland, West Virginia, it’s a veritable road-trip minus the wacky antics. The scale of the attack is bigger, so it makes sense to have the Eastern Seaboard as the background but it feels forced. One minute it’s day, the next frame, it’s night and Willis and Long are three hundred miles away in Maryland, which looks like every other part of the goddamn seaboard, nor do they ever stay long enough in one place to get a sense of orientation, or to significantly absorb the total collapse of civilization around them.

    Wiseman, while he’s not a great director like McTiernan or even Harlin, at least knows how to stage action in a Die Hard film, even if everything else gets lost on him. There are no super quick cuts during fight scenes! Holy shit? You mean, I can see when Bruce headbutts a guy without getting seasick? Tell me more! And, in a definite throwback (or as a case and point for really awesome modern CGI), I am damn sure most of the shit they were blowing up...they were actually blowing up and the audience wins because of it. Glass and metal mingle in glorious explosions too numerous to count!

    Which brings me to the controversy: the PG-13 rating. By grace of title alone did this film squeak by with a PG-13 rating. Remember when studios and directors made ‘R’ films because, hey, they were making an ‘R’ film? Now it’s like some taboo badge of honor to make them. My complaint with ‘1408’ is similar: when people get shot, they bleed. There’s collateral damage. And Jesus, this is Die HARD. Not Die Soft, or Die Kinda Not in a Nice Way. When you die, you’re going out the hard way, usually at the business end of a gun or some other thing designed to do terrible, terrible things to a body. Unquestionably, there is a ton of action and is like an episode of ‘24’ on roids, but what really gets lost is the dialogue. John McLane isn’t some do-gooder with a perfect mouth, he swears like the best of him. “Yipee Kay-yay motherfucker!” is one of the best delivered lines in film history and while it is present, it sounds like an afterthought and is muttered, as if whispering it would somehow make it worse. Have you seen 13 year old kids? They swear worse than me!

    If you’re looking for a ‘Die Hard’ film, this movie wears the suit to find it a tad too big in some parts. Take Bruce out of the equation and rename it, and suddenly uo have a movie no one wants to see. If you’re looking for a great summer action movie, then step right up. A lot of what you see is old hat, but it’s great to see an old hat like McLane to show them how it’s done.