‘Rise’ opens with its best shot: that of an apocalyptic cloud destroying a planet in a matter of moments. We then zip through the cosmos to the Baxter Building, where our heroes not only live, but hide from the spotlight. The gang has become the talk of the town. Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) and Susan Storm (Jessica Alba) are getting married, or at least trying to. Science stuff keeps hampering their wedding. For once, everything looks like it’ll go off, when...something shows up, upsetting the natural balance and changing matter and generally making a mess of things here on Earth.

    That something is the self-titled Silver Surfer and comic fans know, where the surfer flies, only death can follow. Doug Jones (suited wunderkid from ‘Pan’s Labyrinth’ and ‘Hellboy) provides the cosmic grace of Norrin Radd, while Laurence Fishburne phones in a cryptic performance as the Surfer’s voice. Despite his titular performance, he is woefully underused and in fact loses his power cosmic (not a typo) halfway through his roughly fifteen minutes of screentime. They hint at a backstory (a tragic one, at that) for the Surfer, but Tim Story and Co. hold back, no doubt saving it all for a Silver Surfer spinoff. Which is sad, because there are reasons why he does what he does and since they are not developed, the ending feels more like a necessary plot point than any character motivated action. I want to see, if only briefly, Norrin’s world, his lover, his pact with the devil. But nothing. And he barely shows off his power in any way that can be construed as menacing, either! Herald of Galactus, my ass. Sure, he digs some holes in the ground, but none of it ever feels dire. This is the end of the world, not some random bad guy like ‘Mole Man’ starting some shit.

    The same for his boss, Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds. He’s the enigmatic cloud from the opening shot. He’s whispered about for the majority of the film and the writers tell you just enough about him to make you hate them for not telling you more. And when Galactus arrives, he sort of...breezes about like an inter-galactic space cloud, used more for effect than anything else.

    The acting is about the same as FF1. Physically, I can buy Ioan Gruffudd as Reed Richards, he’s got the look and mannerisms down, but the writers have still not sold me on the whole ‘smartest man on the planet’ thing. Geek alert: this is the man who harnessed the powers of parallel universes so that they ceased to exist in a successful effort to thwart Galactus in the comics. He invented the hypothetical school of Psychohistory, dammit! Jessica Alba remains the pretty face with little to do, she mostly fumes about how marriage before coming to an ending that is not earned. Chilkis knows the character inside and out, but the writer’s insist on making him light comic relief along with Johnny (Chris Evans) who is, at the very least, entertaining as the hot-headed fire-wielder. His character even rises to the occasion and saves the world.

    Oh yeah, and Dr. Doom (Julian MacMahon) is back. I don’t really need to say much else. He’s shoehorned in so the FF can have someone they can actually punch and give the series some semblance of ‘continuity’ a la ‘Spider-man’ or ‘X-Men’. Those waiting for the metal clad menace of Latveria will again, sadly, be left waiting until the end. MacMahon sneers and snarls, but ultimately, does nothing.

    There’s little action to be had. An all too brief race between the Surfer and Johnny (the one we’ve all seen a hundred times) is the only set-piece that has any pulse to it, and it’s over far too soon. A scene in London involving a collapsing ferris wheel, while cool in concept, ends up flat and boring. Like all sequels, the military gets involved, but they serve mostly as fodder and an excuse to fire missiles and guns. Andre Braugher’s General Hager is without dimension and insists on playing the tough guy throughout the proceedings.

    Let’s be honest, a movie about the end of the world should not be ‘PG’, not when the end comes in the form of a gigantic thing that, again, EATS PLANETS. What should be a race against time is more of a leisurely stroll through brightly lit scenes where no one ever dies and we all live happily ever after. The First Family need to be treated better. They have saved the world more times than anyone, and we’re given this half-hearted, ‘my god why can’t you be good’ tale of cosmic horror and marital hilarity? The film is too rushed and lacking in all the right areas. Kids will enjoy it, if forget everything except “that silver guy and the big cloud thing”, but to the rest of us, comic book and non-comic book, the film is a travesty on the deepest level. Is it bad when I want Galactus to destroy the world so we don’t have to endure more of these characters? In this case...no, no it’s not.